The Taser's Edge

The New New Mission Statement
July 3, 2006, 9:36 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The problem with having a blog is that now I am anxious all the time. What if my blog turns out like every other blog? What if I fail to update? And most of all, what if I fail to interest people?

Feel free to give me the answers before I answer them in this post, so I don't have to think about them in this post. 

1.  “What if my blog…”

First, I'm offended.  My problem with most blogs is that they are interesting to no one but their writer, and I think mine has already become that, in the course of this very post.  So to head off any complaints in the future, here is my blog's new mission statement:

“In the interest of posting regularly, I hereby promise to write utter crap.  And though my readers know it to be crap, yet will they sink their teeth into it, yes, even up to the gums.  And rapidly shall they chew, even thrice upon each post.”

2.  “What if I fail…”

That'll be no problem under the new mission statement.  Here is its second part:

“Said utter crap (Paragraph A, line a) may sometimes be irregularly posted, at times perhaps with weeks and months and years, decades, millenia, eons, etc. in between.  Any large gaps of time between posts is purposeful and in keeping with the will of this blog's beneficent Creator.  Any who protest the second Law will see their family pets first neutered, then spayed, castrated, and then neutered again.  The writer will then be impaled on a beam taken from his or her own blog, and that blog shall from thence become a virtual public urinal.”

3.  “And most of all…”

This is the 'why' behind the third part of the mission statement:

“Anything uninteresting is due to shortness of understanding on the part of the reader.  All will become clear to those who believe.  This blessed clarity is not a matter for faith of the heart, but rather of greatness of will, lest any think that blind faith can get thee anywhere on the Internet.”

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